{"id":215,"date":"2008-12-11T06:49:00","date_gmt":"2008-12-11T13:49:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/wordpress\/?p=215"},"modified":"2014-01-06T07:07:32","modified_gmt":"2014-01-06T14:07:32","slug":"two-alligators-in-the-snow","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/?p=215","title":{"rendered":"Two Alligators in the Snow"},"content":{"rendered":"

As is my custom, I woke up this morning thirty minutes late, ran a razor across my face, quaffed two cups of coffee, walked out the door…<\/span><\/p>\n

…and swept the snow off my windshield.<\/p>\n

I ran back inside and hid under my bed for a while. I tried opening the door again, but the snow was still there. I turned on the news to make sure I still lived in New Orleans. I did.<\/p>\n

Incidentally, I’d scheduled a few meetings in Bayou LaFourche today, so when I finally did hit the highway I witnessed the strangely beautiful, potentially apocalyptic sight of Louisiana’s swamps blanketed in snow. My jaw dropped.<\/p>\n

Then I thought to myself: if I’m overwhelmed, how must the alligators feel?<\/p>\n

———————————————–<\/p>\n

Two alligators, Bert and Al, lie beside each other on the bank of a South Louisiana bayou. Snow begins to fall.<\/i><\/p>\n

BERT:<\/strong> Al? Hey, Al? What the hell is this?
\nAL:<\/strong> Not sure. Have you tried eating it yet?
\nBERT:<\/strong> Yeah. That didn\u2019t stop it.
\nAL:<\/strong> Strange. That usually does the trick. What\u2019s it taste like?
\nBERT:<\/strong> Bland. And really cold.\u00a0[Looks around nervously]<\/i>\u00a0There\u2019s an awful lot of it.
\nAL:<\/strong> No kidding. It\u2019s getting all over me. Maybe we ought to move into the water or go eat some birds or something.
\nBERT:<\/strong> I\u2019m still digesting that deer from a few days ago.
\nAL:<\/strong> Well, maybe we can ask someone about this stuff. You remember that albino alligator who\u2019s always showing off at the zoo and hanging out with the humans?
\nBERT:<\/strong> Chris? Yeah, what about him?
\nAL:<\/strong> I\u2019ll bet he knows all about this stuff.
\nBERT:<\/strong> Why? Because he\u2019s the same color as it is? That\u2019s ridiculous.
\nAL:<\/strong> So you say. But I\u2019ll bet we\u2019re albino by the end of this thing.
\nBERT:<\/strong> Wait… did you catch the weather last night? Did they mention this?
\nAL:<\/strong> Dude, we\u2019ve been lying motionless for the past forty-eight hours. Of course I didn\u2019t catch the weather. Besides, Bob Brecht is a goddamn basket case… he wouldn\u2019t know rain from brimstone.\u00a0[Yawns.]<\/i>\u00a0Are you feeling unusually sleepy? Or is it just me?
\nBERT:<\/strong> I\u2019m definitely getting groggy.<\/p>\n

Enter Egret, to a nearby tree limb.<\/i><\/p>\n

AL:<\/strong> Hey, Egret. Can you do us a favor?
\nEGRET:<\/strong> Don\u2019t say \u2018get in my mouth.\u2019
\nAL:<\/strong> No, nothing like that. We need you to fly way up high and find out what all this white stuff is and where it\u2019s coming from.
\nEGRET:<\/strong> Are you serious? It\u2019s snow.
\nAL:<\/strong>\u00a0[Exchanges confused expressions with Bert.]<\/i>\u00a0In layman\u2019s terms, please, Egret.
\nEGRET:<\/strong>\u00a0[Rolls his eyes.]<\/i>\u00a0It\u2019s frozen rain. It means it\u2019s really cold out. That\u2019s why I\u2019m flying south.
\nBERT:<\/strong>\u00a0[Under his breath]<\/i>\u00a0This is exactly why I hate egrets. They\u2019re all smart-asses.
\nAL:<\/strong> Well, Egret, since you\u2019re so knowledgeable, maybe you can tell us why we\u2019re both feeling so tired all of a sudden. Does \u2018snow\u2019 do that too?
\nEGRET:<\/strong> That\u2019s because you guys are cold-blooded.
\nAL:<\/strong>\u00a0[After a long silence]<\/i>\u00a0Go on.
\nEGRET:<\/strong> Jesus Christ. It means that your bodies won\u2019t adjust to the sudden drop in temperature. Consequently, your heart rate will slow and your brains will gradually cease to function.
\nBERT:<\/strong> What are you saying, exactly? Are you saying we\u2019re going to die?
\nEGRET:<\/strong> Yes.
\nAL:<\/strong> Wow.
\nEGRET:<\/strong> Yeah. You guys really should read a book every once in a while.
\nAL:<\/strong> I\u2019ll say.<\/p>\n

Exit Egret.<\/i><\/p>\n

BERT:<\/strong> Unbelievable. Well, if we do make it out of this, I’d say we’ve earned a vacation.
\nAL:<\/strong> Absolutely. The Everglades?
\nBERT:<\/strong> How about Miami?
\nAL:<\/strong> Sure. January 8th?
\nBERT<\/strong>: Sounds good.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As is my custom, I woke up this morning thirty minutes late, ran a razor across my face, quaffed two cups of coffee, walked out the door… …and swept the snow off my windshield. I ran back inside and hid under my bed for a while. I tried opening the door again, but the snow […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":260,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=215"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":223,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions\/223"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/260"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.vincentmaling.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}