Personalities in gyms are a lot like cover songs in piano bars. No matter which one of the thousands of ramshackle venues you stagger into, you\u2019re guaranteed to hear the same slurred rendition of\u00a0Brown Eyed Girl<\/i>\u00a0before the night is over.<\/p>\n
For the past several months I\u2019ve been cataloging and classifying the sundry characters that frequent my gym. Scores of them enter and exit every hour. Some are so regular that I could tell you with atomic accuracy exactly what muscle groups they\u2019re scheduled to exercise on a given day. Others are purely transient \u2013 business travelers staying at nearby hotels, or guilt-fraught gluttons atoning for holiday gorges. But at the end of the day, no matter how many hundreds I observe, they\u2019re all just isotopes of five basic stereotypes. Whether you realize it or not, you\u2019re already familiar with these stereotypical characters, because they\u2019re the same ones that populate your own gym.<\/p>\n
In fact, statistics dictate that you probably\u00a0are<\/i>\u00a0one of these characters.<\/p>\n
And if that’s the case, I have some advice for you.<\/p>\n
THE EXHIBITIONIST<\/b>
\nYou spot her as soon as she walks into the room. She\u2019s flaunting a tank-top-slash-sports-bra that disappears somewhere between her midriff and indecent exposure. There\u2019s an inane message \u2013 \u201cPINK,\u201d probably \u2013 plastered in capital letters across the seat of her child-sized Soffe shorts. Her sole purpose in life is to distract nearby male gymgoers who might otherwise have been busy grinding out sets of crunches with hopes that one day\u00a0she<\/i>\u00a0might stare at\u00a0them<\/i>. The women in the gym are ogling her too, but with vitriol, because they know that she owes her Disney princess physique to good genes, a coke habit, and a regiment of self-induced vomiting.<\/p>\n
How to spot an Exhibitionist:<\/b>\u00a0Don\u2019t worry. You won\u2019t have to try hard. Take a gander at that machine that women use to exercise spreading their legs. You know the one I\u2019m talking about. Oh, and if your gym has a women\u2019s-only section, don\u2019t bother peeking. You won\u2019t find her in there.<\/p>\n
Advice for Exhibitionists:<\/b>\u00a0I\u2019ve got a few questions. For example: Who told you that your pajamas were appropriate workout attire? Also: Can I help you stretch? Please?<\/p>\n
THE RESOLUTIONER<\/b>
\nYou may believe that it\u2019s steady, $40-a-month memberships like yours that keep your gym profitable. But the truth is that your gym operates more like an H&R Block. Every January it rounds up countless human cattle whose fickle New Year\u2019s weight loss resolutions are bound to last about as long as a four-year-old\u2019s pet goldfish. You\u2019ll spot these types plenty in January. But their appearances will gradually taper off, until about March or so when they\u2019ll have convinced themselves that if they just take the stairs at work or watch their Jane Fonda workout tapes once a week then there\u2019s no real need for squats and dips and treadmills.<\/p>\n
How to Spot a Resolutioner:<\/b>\u00a0They\u2019ll be the ones in the brand new, brightly colored Nike sweat suits with the matching water bottles reading the instructional labels on the Nautilus machines.<\/p>\n
Advice for Resolutioners:<\/b>\u00a0I have nothing but kind words for you. Your perennial failure subsidizes the cost of my gym membership. I look forward to seeing you next year.<\/p>\n
THE CONVERSATIONALIST<\/b>
\nNo one\u2019s more obnoxious than the guy who treats your gym like it\u2019s a Rotary Club or a cocktail party. Sure, he\u00a0says<\/i>\u00a0he needs a spotter. But what he really wants is to be your friend. Before you know it you\u2019re shaking hands. Exchanging names. He tells you about his job. Asks about yours. All of a sudden you\u2019ve spent what should have been a 30-second break between sets chitchatting about trivial bullshit for half an hour. And when there\u2019s no one left for this sweaty social butterfly to badger, rest assured that he\u2019ll sprawl out on a bench, break out a cell phone, and boast loudly to some poor soul about how \u201cswoll\u201d his lats feel.<\/p>\n
How to spot a Conversationalist:<\/b>\u00a0They\u2019ll spot you.<\/p>\n
Advice for Conversationlists:\u00a0<\/b>Find a singles bar. Join a book club. But for Christ\u2019s sake, when I\u2019m curling a barbell with a pair of headphones buried in my ears it means I want to listen to Dr. Dre \u2013 not to you.<\/p>\n
THE GRUNTER
\n<\/b>Actually no, that middle-age bald guy exercising in the corner is\u00a0not<\/i>\u00a0passing a kidney stone. He\u00a0is<\/i>\u00a0hefting a couple of slightly heavy dumbbells, and he\u2019s going to make damn sure you know about it. Because in his book, a workout\u2019s not a success until he\u2019s ruptured a blood vessel in his neck and sprayed spittle all over the mirror in front of him. Re-rack your weights? Not this stud. That\u2019s for the birds. And why practice good form when you can just throw out your back?<\/p>\n
How to spot a Grunter:<\/b>\u00a0He\u2019s like a backwards thunderstorm: you\u2019ll hear him before you see him.<\/p>\n
Advice for Grunters:<\/b>\u00a0You may believe that your \u201cbreathing techniques\u201d help you tack a few extra reps onto a tough set. But I\u2019ve got a better idea: lift less weight. Jackass.<\/p>\n
THE LOCKER ROOM LOITERER<\/b>
\nSome people just enjoy being naked. That\u2019s cool when you\u2019re sipping late-night cocktails in a Jacuzzi among coed friends. And it\u2019s okay around the showers in the locker room. But when your idea of a solid workout is half-an-hour nude in the steam room, fifteen clothes-free minutes in the sauna, and a long dip in the hot tub\u00a0au naturel<\/i>, well, everyone\u2019s seen more than their fair share of your junk. (By the way, are there loiterers like this in women\u2019s locker rooms? If so, I\u2019d like to propose a trade.)<\/p>\n
How to spot a Locker Room Loiterer:<\/b>\u00a0Try your hardest not to. Wear a blindfold, if you have to.<\/p>\n
Advice for Locker Room Loiterers:<\/b>In most states you can\u2019t smoke a cigarette in a public place because it irritates (and poisons) non-smokers. Next time you\u2019re in my locker room, please think of your penis as the most carcinogenic cigarette ever manufactured. No, I don’t have a light. And neither does anyone else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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