If you know me at all, you already realize that I don’t take kindly to people who refer to their 600-calorie mutant milkshakes as “coffee.” But last Thursday in Baton Rouge, my disdain for these newfangled whatever-accinos soared to new heights.

I stopped at what looked to be a respectable establishment in hopes of sating my coffee addiction (Charley’s Coffee on Coursey Blvd – throw a rock if you ever pass by). There were lots of fish tanks and all of the customers looked happy and communal and intelligent. So far so good. But when I ordered my coffee, the self-styled “barista” informed me that she no longer brewed “drip” coffee, that everything nowadays was blended or mixed and that the best she could do was an Americano (two shots of espresso diluted with some hot water) and that I should try new things.

If that little anecdote didn’t register with you, permit me to summarize: last Thursday, in Baton Rouge, I walked into a coffee shop that didn’t serve coffee.

Well, that was the last straw. I’m laying down some rules.

1. There is nothing American about an Americano.
2. In America, “barista” is not a word. You’re a cashier, and you’re paid by the hour. Don’t you forget it.
3. If the name of your drink order has more than three vowels in it, it’s not coffee, and you are not fit to reproduce.
4. If you have testicles, you will order a single black coffee and move on.
5. If you do not have testicles, you will order a single black coffee. You may then proceed to the condiments table, where you you won’t be slowing down the long line of people trying to get their fix. There you may corrupt your coffee to your heart’s content.
6. Tea is neither coffee nor American, and has no place in this country. There was a war fought over this. You may remember it.. the American Revolution?
7. Europeans: that powdery black Nescafe shit that you guys guzzle like mineral water isn’t coffee. As far as I’m concerned, it isn’t even edible. I can’t stress this enough. You’re not astronauts. You don’t even have a space program. So there’s no reason you should be drinking freeze-dried anything.

Granted, the military lacks the resources to enforce the aforementioned laws on a wide scale. But rest assured: if you’re ever in a New Orleans coffee shop and you experience a sudden, intense pain in the back of your head, that’d be my foot.

Consider yourself warned.