As is my custom, I woke up this morning thirty minutes late, ran a razor across my face, quaffed two cups of coffee, walked out the door…

…and swept the snow off my windshield.

I ran back inside and hid under my bed for a while. I tried opening the door again, but the snow was still there. I turned on the news to make sure I still lived in New Orleans. I did.

Incidentally, I’d scheduled a few meetings in Bayou LaFourche today, so when I finally did hit the highway I witnessed the strangely beautiful, potentially apocalyptic sight of Louisiana’s swamps blanketed in snow. My jaw dropped.

Then I thought to myself: if I’m overwhelmed, how must the alligators feel?

———————————————–

Two alligators, Bert and Al, lie beside each other on the bank of a South Louisiana bayou. Snow begins to fall.

BERT: Al? Hey, Al? What the hell is this?
AL: Not sure. Have you tried eating it yet?
BERT: Yeah. That didn’t stop it.
AL: Strange. That usually does the trick. What’s it taste like?
BERT: Bland. And really cold. [Looks around nervously] There’s an awful lot of it.
AL: No kidding. It’s getting all over me. Maybe we ought to move into the water or go eat some birds or something.
BERT: I’m still digesting that deer from a few days ago.
AL: Well, maybe we can ask someone about this stuff. You remember that albino alligator who’s always showing off at the zoo and hanging out with the humans?
BERT: Chris? Yeah, what about him?
AL: I’ll bet he knows all about this stuff.
BERT: Why? Because he’s the same color as it is? That’s ridiculous.
AL: So you say. But I’ll bet we’re albino by the end of this thing.
BERT: Wait… did you catch the weather last night? Did they mention this?
AL: Dude, we’ve been lying motionless for the past forty-eight hours. Of course I didn’t catch the weather. Besides, Bob Brecht is a goddamn basket case… he wouldn’t know rain from brimstone. [Yawns.] Are you feeling unusually sleepy? Or is it just me?
BERT: I’m definitely getting groggy.

Enter Egret, to a nearby tree limb.

AL: Hey, Egret. Can you do us a favor?
EGRET: Don’t say ‘get in my mouth.’
AL: No, nothing like that. We need you to fly way up high and find out what all this white stuff is and where it’s coming from.
EGRET: Are you serious? It’s snow.
AL: [Exchanges confused expressions with Bert.] In layman’s terms, please, Egret.
EGRET: [Rolls his eyes.] It’s frozen rain. It means it’s really cold out. That’s why I’m flying south.
BERT: [Under his breath] This is exactly why I hate egrets. They’re all smart-asses.
AL: Well, Egret, since you’re so knowledgeable, maybe you can tell us why we’re both feeling so tired all of a sudden. Does ‘snow’ do that too?
EGRET: That’s because you guys are cold-blooded.
AL: [After a long silence] Go on.
EGRET: Jesus Christ. It means that your bodies won’t adjust to the sudden drop in temperature. Consequently, your heart rate will slow and your brains will gradually cease to function.
BERT: What are you saying, exactly? Are you saying we’re going to die?
EGRET: Yes.
AL: Wow.
EGRET: Yeah. You guys really should read a book every once in a while.
AL: I’ll say.

Exit Egret.

BERT: Unbelievable. Well, if we do make it out of this, I’d say we’ve earned a vacation.
AL: Absolutely. The Everglades?
BERT: How about Miami?
AL: Sure. January 8th?
BERT: Sounds good.